Promises Made
by randomwriting
Summary: A team member is killed, leaving the rest of the team to work through their grief and guilt.
1. Calleigh

Promises Made

Disclaimer: Any recognizable character is owned by CBS, creators, producers, etc., not me.

Rating:M (some language)

Author''s Note: Each chapter is told from a different character's POV.

All reviews welcomed & appreciated.

Calleigh

As I stir, I squirm and stretch causing Tim's arm to reflexively tighten around my waist, as if he thinks I might be leaving. I open my eyes, look over at the clock and see I've woken a good half hour before the alarm. I lean back into Tim's embrace, and lie still, wondering if I've woken him, when his soft voice provides the answer.

"I know you're awake," he whispers, and I feel his warm breath on my neck which causes a shiver down my back. I turn over to face him, meeting his lips with mine.

"Mornin'. " I greet him with a smile, happy to awaken in his arms every morning. "Do you notice we're alone?" I ask between kisses, while caressing his stubbled cheek with one hand and weaving my other through his unruly, dark hair.

"No nighttime visitors, that's a surprise," he answers back, now moving his lips to my neck, my weak spot, one he knows well and takes advantage of often.

"And did you also notice it's still quiet in the rest of the house?" I ask, hoping he gets the hint, he usually does.

"Mmmm. Maybe we should take advantage of the quiet, don't ya think?" he responds, lightly caressing my back and nuzzling my neck.

"You read my mind," I tell him while playfully tugging on the waistband of his shorts.

"I'll latch the door," he answers, his voice soft, quietly getting out of bed, eagerly discarding his shorts on the way to the door, providing me with a good look, and reminding me what an extremely sexy husband I have, one I simply cannot get enough of.

* * *

Lying wrapped in his arms, I'm blissfully happy, grateful I awoke before the alarm, and I think I could just stay here like this all day. I hold up my left hand to admire the continuous circle of diamonds that rests between my wedding band and engagement ring, watching how they catch the sunlight streaming in through the window and sparkle. The eternity band was a surprise gift Tim gave me last month for our tenth wedding anniversary. I still can't believe it's been ten years! When he gave it to me he told me he chose an eternity band because that's how long he hopes we're together. Every time I look at it I think about how lucky I am to be married to him.

Tim's not much of a romantic, not in the traditional hearts and flowers way, but every so often he manages to sweep me off my feet. The first time was when he proposed to me in a parking lot in the middle of the day. That doesn't sound too romantic, except it was the parking lot where we had shared our first kiss, on our first date, just one month earlier and it was completely unexpected. He told me he had known from that first kiss that he wanted us to be together forever. He completely swept me off my feet that sunny afternoon. I said 'yes' without hesitation, I just knew we were meant to be together.

"What'cha thinking?" he asks, interrupting my thoughts.

"Oh, that I could stay in your arms all day all day and that I love my new ring and I love you." I lift myself up to kiss him when the sound of footsteps and a lot of giggling becomes apparent, reminding me why staying in bed all day isn't an option.

"I love you too, now get up," he says, rolling me off him and dropping a quick kiss on my forehead, before grabbing his shorts and heading for the door. Likewise I reach for my discarded shorts and tank top before the invasion. He opens the door and two identical blonde moppets come charging in, jumping up on the bed.

"Morning Daddy, Morning Mommy," we are greeted in stereo, as they scramble over to my side of the bed where two sets of small arms wrap themselves around me. Our six year old twin daughters were a complete surprise, an overwhelming, yet wonderful surprise. The first two years were a bit hectic, to say the least, but we muddled through and I can't imagine my life without them. We get double of everything, good and bad, but it's been mostly good and we consider ourselves doubly blessed.

Tim comes out of the bathroom and grabs one twin to his front, while the other climbs on his back. "I'll make breakfast, you get ready," he calls to me while heading to the kitchen. That's my cue to hit the shower.

While pregnant, I cut back on my hours at work, and quit going to crime scenes all together. Tim put his foot down about that, leading to one of our only really big fights. I understood where he was coming from, I would never do anything to endanger what I knew was considered a high risk pregnancy, I just didn't like being told what to do by my husband, no matter how much I love him. Gratefully, all went well and the twins were delivered close to term.

Now I keep the hours and days of my choosing, which works out well for me. Horatio tells me he'd rather have my ballistics expertise part time, then not at all. I would never quit working all together, I love everything about my job, but twins, a husband and a house keep me busy. I can't keep the hours Tim keeps anymore, there are too many other things I want to do, like volunteer at the girls' school, take them to their ballet classes, and just be there for them as much as possible while they're still young.

I spend most of my work hours in the ballistics lab or the firing range, going to crime scenes only sporadically. I miss field work a little, but I know Tim prefers me in the lab, though he's learned not to tell me that. Smart man.

I'm hearing quite a clatter in the kitchen, which means Tim is cooking something instead of giving the girls cereal. Hopefully he'll remember to clean up his mess, I hate it when he leaves it for me. Oh well, I'm going to take my shower in peace while I still can before it's my turn to take over for Tim.

* * *

He thoughtfully brings me my coffee while I finish dressing, knowing I need my morning caffeine and exactly how I like it prepared. "Thanks Babe," I say, but when I turn to look at him I notice he's looking rather annoyed and exasperated, a patented Tim look I know well. Uh oh, this can't be good.

"Anything you forgot to mention to me?" he asks without humor, standing against the wall, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, eyebrows raised.

Hmmm. I wrack my brain trying to think what it might be, no dings in the car, no over drawn checks, remembered to grocery shop...

Noticing my perplexed look he offers, "If I 'meow' will that help?"

Oops. I knew there was something I kept putting off. I can't help but smile at the look on his face even though I know that will annoy him further.

"They told you, huh?" I ask, already knowing the answer. He's not amused and his displeasure is indeed apparent on his face.

"Oh yes. Apparently," this word he draws out, "their... mother..." and this word he exaggerates, "told them their father was all that stood in the way of a lifetime of happiness with," and I quote, "the cutest kittens in the world, who already love us and come to their names when we call them." I start to speak, but he shakes his head, he's obviously not done. "And," he pauses for effect, " if they don't come home with us they will be abandoned forever, and I imagine this, of course, would be my fault."

"Tim, I never said that to them!" I protest in vain.

"Calleigh you set me up! Obviously you've known for awhile about these damn cats that they seem to have their hearts set on . You could have mentioned it to me ahead of time." Tim's not crazy about cats. At all. He's allergic as well.

"I kept forgetting. I'm sorry, honest." I walk to where he's standing. "You said 'yes', huh?" I ask with a smile, again already knowing the answer.

"Of course I said 'yes', I even promised," he says with exasperation. "I thought they were going to cry. They looked pathetic, like they expected me to say 'no' and break their hearts or something. I don't like cats, but I'm not a complete jerk. It seemed pretty important to them. You know I have a hard time saying 'no' to them... or you, for that matter." He just shakes his head, arms still folded against his chest and tries to hide the small smile tugging on his lips.

I do know. And I'm having a hard time not laughing. He's complete putty in their hands, and if they cry, forget it. They're still so innocent, they have no idea the power they have over him, I, however, do.

"Are you mad?" I inquire, leaning in as close to him as I can and raising up for a kiss. Mmmm, I taste maple syrup, he must've made pancakes.

"What do you think?" he asks, wrapping his arms around me, his eyes shining, his expression softer now.

"Hmmm, A bit annoyed, not mad," I decide, knowing him as I do.

"You got it." He kisses me again. "Good thing I love you."

Good thing, I think as well. Good thing.

"Oh, by the way, you have to make lunches, and there was some vague mention of a missing library book and an angry librarian, you might want to look into that," he tells me. As he heads to the shower he adds with a smirk," the kitchen is a bit of a mess."

"OK, now I'm a bit annoyed Tim. Good thing I love you," I call after him. I can hear his chuckle.

"Good thing," he calls back before shutting the door.

* * *

It's a busy crime day in Miami, and the team is spread pretty thin when Horatio reaches me on my cell. Tim and Eric are at the scene of a messy homicide on the beach, Horatio is unexpectedly detained in court and wonders if I can give Ryan a hand at the scene of a gunfight in a parking lot. I'm caught up in the lab and not due to pick the girls up for hours, so I'm happy to lend a hand, actually looking forward to being in the field again. Not wanting to bother him at the scene, I decide to leave Tim a message on his cell, grab my stuff and head out.

It's a beautiful day today and it's great to get a chance to be outside. It doesn't take long to reach my destination, I park, grab my kit and look around for Ryan. A single gunshot pierces the air. I drop my kit and try to reach my gun, but I'm not quick enough and I feel myself being thrown to the ground.

There's no pain, just this heavy pressure and I'm not sure at first what it is. I'm starting to have a lot of trouble breathing and can feel my heart racing. There's a lot of activity around me, and a lot of voices, but I'm having trouble making sense of it all. It's starting to dawn on me that this can't be good, then I remember the gunshot, and feel panic wash over me.

I'm trying to breathe, but I'm just gasping, and I can feel what must be blood in my throat and mouth making me choke. I'm really scared and wish Tim were here with me. It's hard to see, everything is blurry. I'm trying to get my mouth to work, but I can't speak and breathe at the same time. My need for Tim is overwhelming. Where is he? I'm so cold, I'm not sure I've ever felt this cold before. I need Tim here to warm me up. I feel very sleepy, I'm not sure how much longer I can stay awake.

OK, I can feel him with me now. I keep trying to make my mouth work, "Tim," finally comes out of my mouth, sounding more like a gasping breath than a word, but it's all I can manage. It was a struggle to get it out, using most of my dwindling energy. I can see him now, it seems as if he's really far away, like in a dream, but if he's here, it's OK, and I feel calmer suddenly, no longer panicked. I try to squeeze his hand, I'm no longer fighting to get every breath out, then everything goes black.


	2. Horatio

Promises Made

Horatio

I linger in the doorway, wishing I were anywhere but here, knowing here is where I must be, and feel overcome by the rush of emotion I thought I was prepared for. Evidently I failed, because I feel an unfamiliar weakening of my knees causing me to reflexively lean against the door frame for support until it passes. The adrenaline that has gotten me this far has abated, leaving me to deal head on with the consequences of this day.

The anguish I felt earlier today as I knelt by Calleigh's lifeless, bloodied body has come back full force, despite my efforts to block the image from my mind. Seeing her now, in this room brings it all back. I failed to protect a member of my team and that will reside with me always. There was nothing more I could do for her then, I knew she had expired before I arrived on the scene, but now I can help those she loved and left behind. I owe that much to her, need to do this for her, it is all that she would have wanted, I know this because I know... knew, her well.

What mattered most to her is the broken hearted man in front of me. Watching him standing by his wife's side holding her hand, as she lies unmoving on the cold, steel table, in this room we are both so familiar with, brings my heart into my throat. I will be there for him through this ordeal, as well as the two little girls whose own hearts are soon to break when they receive the news their mother is gone. I will have to push my own suffering to the back so I may offer them comfort, but I need to put some distance between myself and the scene before me in order to achieve that. I also must afford him the privacy he needs for this visit with his wife.

I quietly step away from the doorway and move along the outside wall, slumping against it, my shoulders feeling heavy with tension. Hearing his soft, pain filled murmuring, but unable to make out his words, I'm grateful I moved, this is too personal to be privy to. He needs to be alone with her now. I vigorously rub my temples hoping to ward off the pain lodged in there, knowing it will do nothing for the rest of the pain I feel. The pain and shock that all of us are feeling today.

Standing here doing nothing is not working for me, I need to be busy, there is too much I know I should be, could be doing. I briskly pace the hallway, my hands on my hips feeling useless, my head down because there's no one I want to see. But there's no where else I can be right now, I need to be here with him, need to bring him home, need to help him with his daughters. That's the only thing that's important.

As I pace, I can't help but recollect the day's events. I sigh heavily, wishing in vain I could take back the call I made asking for her help at the crime scene I could not go to. If I hadn't called her, she would still be with us. At the very least I should have had more uniforms there for protection, should have anticipated that the shooter could still be lurking, should've safeguarded her somehow, but none of this matters now, she is gone, and that I have to live with.

I return to my place against the wall, suddenly feeling fatigued, another side effect of draining adrenaline levels. I think about Speed and wonder how he is holding up. Telling him today was one of the hardest things I've done, and I've been the bearer of this news more times than I can count. I know how to take my emotion out of the equation to offer comfort without getting involved. This, today, was different, I am involved, he is my colleague, my friend, my family, and I watched the light go out of his eyes. I'll not soon forget his stricken, anguished face.

I don't know how he'll find the strength to tell his daughters. He cherishes those girls and hurting them is going to be the hardest thing he's ever done. I will be by his side as he needs me. I love those girls, my goddaughter and her twin, like they were my own. This loss will affect the rest of their lives, their mother is irreplaceable, how we handle this and how we support them in the future will always be most important.

Thinking about the twins, I absently fumble in my pocket for the photograph recently given to me by their mother. Carefully removing the cherished photo from it's place in my wallet with shaky hands, I gently trace the image with my finger. It is a smaller version of the portrait done as a surprise for Speed's birthday. A beautiful, beaming Calleigh is flanked on either side by her identical, adorable twins. They are miniature replicas of her, complete with the same green eyes, white blonde hair and radiant smiles. It's hard to find evidence of their father in this photo, but he shows up in their personalities and mannerisms. Speed always joked about the 'blondness' in his house, but anyone who knows him knows he dotes on his three blondes. His job is his job, and he is a selfless, dedicated worker, but his family is his life.

Speed and Calleigh, an unlikely pairing if I ever saw one. Physically dissimilar, they seemed to be opposites in almost all ways. Nothing about them suggested they would be a match made in heaven, but they were. Once you saw them together, you couldn't imagine them apart. If anything, I thought the fact that they worked closely together might be a deterrent to a romantic pairing, but it wasn't and they kept their work relationship as professional as possible. Of course, the fact that my trace expert kept his feelings for my ballistic expert a closely guarded secret may have prevented them from ever getting together, but fortunately fate intervened. When they did finally get together they wasted no time, marrying just five months after their first date.

Calleigh made Speed a better man simply by loving him. Speed, in turn, provided Calleigh with the kind of love and security she could always count on, but rarely had in her life. They had an ability to see clearly into each other, to the parts they kept hidden from all others. They made each other happy. They were good partners and wonderful parents. Sighing heavily, I wonder what he's going to do without her, she was everything to him.

"Oh Calleigh, I'll do my best to watch over them." My voice is barely a whisper as I speak, still holding the photo in my hand. "I'll always be there for your girls. I'll take care of him as well. I won't let you down," I pause before continuing, afraid my voice is about to break, "I promise, I'll make sure they're OK. Goodbye my friend. I'll miss you dearly." Carefully I put the photo away and resume pacing, knowing it will soon be time to go.

I'll never be able to replace all that Calleigh was to us, it was always so much more than her expertise in ballistics. The labs will be a colder, emptier place without the warmth she brought, along with her unfailing optimism, sassy, southern attitude and unwavering dedication to her job, friends and family. I was privileged to have known her, worked with her and been welcomed into her family.

Thinking now about the rest of my team, I wonder how they're fairing. Ryan was by Calleigh's side after she was shot, tried to help her, but there was nothing he could do, it was over quickly. I wonder how this will affect him. He was left to process the scene himself and is probably in the lab with the evidence right now. I can't think about that, I'm too close to this case to be objective, the night shift has been called, he'll have to rely on their help.

Alexx is holed up in her office waiting to see her Timmy. She has Calleigh's wedding rings for him. This has taken quite a toll on her. She had to be helped from this room, her domain. She wanted to stay with Calleigh, but could no more cut into Calleigh than she could a member of her own family.

Eric has been trying to be stoic, but he, too, is shaken up, his pain evident on his features. I know it will be a long time before he gets through this, they were so close for so long. He has gone now to collect our goddaughters, to take them home to wait for Speed. Telling the girls will be hard on him, he too, loves those girls like his own, and Speed is like a brother to him. Speed's pain is Eric's pain. I sigh again feeling the anguish come over me once more.

Moving to the open doorway I quietly make my way inside and stand next to Speed, who appears oblivious to anything but his wife. I gently place my hand on his shoulder.

"Speed. It's time to go. Your girls need you now." I've spoken these words so softly, I'm not certain he's heard me, but a flicker of recognition passes over his face at the mention of his girls. He makes no eye contact with me, just nods. I see him shudder slightly and squeeze her hand. I gaze upon her once more, knowing my pain will hit me later and I hope I'll be able to deal with it.

I turn and slowly walk out knowing he'll soon follow and together we'll make the journey home. I'll help him through this, all of us will. Now he needs to say 'goodbye', I'll be waiting just outside the door.


	3. Tim

Promises Made

Tim

"Calleigh I'm so sorry Baby, I'm so, so sorry. I should've been with you. I let you down. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. You shouldn't be lying here at all."

I hold her cold, lifeless hand in one of my own, wishing there was a way to warm it up. I don't know where her rings have gone, I need to find them, Cal would never take off her wedding rings. I stroke her equally cold, pale cheek with my other hand. I feel sick. I have felt this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach since I saw the look on Horatio's face as he approached Eric and I and I don't expect it to leave any time soon.

"I just wish it had been me and not you. Calleigh what am I going to do without you? What am I going to tell our girls?" I pause, uncertain if I can continue, but there's so much more to say.

"How are they going to get through this, they need you so much,... I need you. I don't know what to do without you..." my voice, just barely an audible whisper as it is, trails off, breaking and I feel a large shudder through my body and tears streaming their way down my cheeks. The last time I cried was when our twins were born and those were tears of joy, not the overwhelming grief I feel now.

My legs feel rubbery, making me think I should probably hold on to the table for support, but not if that means breaking contact with my wife, I can't do that. I try to lean in more, hoping that will keep me upright. My mind is still having a hard time processing all of this, I feel dizzy. I know where I am, I've been in this familiar room more times than I can count, but I don't remember how I got here and I can't believe this is my beautiful, vibrant wife lying dead on this cold, steel table. I simply can't believe this, don't want to believe this, despite the evidence in front of me, which includes a gunshot wound in the chest of the only one I have ever truly loved completely.

I am so close to losing control, but if I break down now, I don't think I'll regain my feeble grasp on reality, so I'll just try to focus on her beautiful face. I keep stroking her cheek, but it's not enough, I need to gather her in my arms and never let her go. I squeeze the hand I'm holding tighter, I don't know if I somehow expect some sort of response, but I cannot let go of her, cannot break the connection, because when it's gone it will really be gone.

I feel a fresh round of tears, which seem to be dripping all over my wife, who would probably have something sassy to say about that and the thought of her reaction is almost enough to make me momentarily forget the pain I feel.

I close my eyes to try to stem the flow of tears for a moment because it's blurring my vision. In my mind I see Cal as she was this morning, that gleam in her eye, the alluring smile that promised so much more, her flushed cheeks and her warm, supple body beneath mine... I can't believe I'm never going to make love to my wife again. I open my eyes wanting to see my wife as she was then, but she's gone from me and I know I'm not getting her back. The pain in my chest is unbearable, I inhale deeply and exhale hoping it will somehow expel this hurt that is constricting me, but it's still there and I know the only one who can help me is lying in front of me so still, so pale, so cold, so not Calleigh.

I concentrate on her beautiful face and try to imagine she is asleep at home in our bed, blonde hair fanning out all around her, looking sexy wearing only a tank top, nestled in the floral sheets she was so fond of, smelling of roses fresh from a bubble bath. Now I see her, again in our bed, propped up with pillows, pajama clad twin on either side, reading from yet another princess story book, all three dissolving in fits of giggles, smothering me with kisses when I get home from work. Finally, I can breathe again, that's what she does for me, keeps me steady, keeps me going.

"Calleigh I don't know why you took a chance on a guy like me, but I'll be yours forever. You got to me the first day your beautiful green eyes sparkled in my direction and I was a goner the first time you drawled my name in that sweet, honeyed voice of yours. I should've told you sooner how I felt. I'm sorry I kept it to myself for so long, but we made up for that didn't we? I still remember the first time I kissed you. You made me happier than

I ever dreamed possible and loved me far more than I deserved. I'm thankful for every day we had and for our beautiful girls." I have to stop again, my voice is threatening to give way to a sob, I just have to keep breathing, focus on Calleigh and ignore the pain.

"Calleigh how am I going to tell the girls? I don't want to break their hearts, but this will, and I just can't hurt them. I don't think I can be enough for them by myself, you have to stay with me somehow, I have to know you'll be there. Can't you just stay with me Baby, just stay with me..." My voice is a rough sounding, pain filled whisper that sounds foreign to my ears. I take my hand away from her face long enough to use the back of it to wipe the liquid from my running nose and tearing eyes.

H has come up beside me, so quiet that I sensed him rather than heard him, now I can feel the warm strength of his hand on my shoulder. I can't look at him for the pain in his eyes and etched on his face is too sharp a reminder of my own, and I'm not prepared to lose control yet, not when there is more I need to tell my wife. I know he's talking but it's taking me a moment to process his words, so focused I am on my own.

"The girls," I hear that clearly and I nod, I know why he's here, to tell me it's time to leave, to go home to our beautiful girls. I feel a shudder go through my body and squeeze Calleigh's hand tighter. I have to see them, hold them in my arms, breathe in their scent, love them as best I can and somehow make this right for them, if that's even possible. He's leaving but I know he'll be waiting, which is good because I don't think I can make it out of this cold place on my own. This is what I've been dreading, I have to say 'goodbye' and I can't, I'm not ready.

Calleigh doesn't like to be alone in the dark, which always surprised me because she is one of the bravest, strongest people I know, and the thought of leaving her here is making my chest hurt again, but I know where she wants me to be, those girls are the only thing that's important right now and Cal would want me with them. I can't let her down, I have to go to them, they're all I have left of Calleigh.

"Calleigh you know I would never leave your side if I didn't have to. I don't know how to say 'goodbye', so I will tell you this instead," I place both my hands on her cold cheeks, now also damp from my tears, and bring my face as close to hers as I can, "Calleigh I will love you forever, I need you to know this, it's a promise and you know I have always kept my promises to you. You were always all I ever wanted or needed. I will do my best with," my voice catches again and it is a moment before I can continue, but I have to say this, "our precious daughters, I promise you."

I bring my thumb to her lips and gently run it over them before I bring my lips down to hers. "I love you Baby," I whisper, before I kiss my wife one last time. It's time to go.


	4. Eric

Promises Made

Eric

I hang up my phone and can't believe how much my hands are shaking, I feel close to losing it and this is not the time or place for that. I look out my car window at the building in front of me to remind myself why I need to stay in control. I clench my fists till my knuckles turn white and squeeze my eyes shut, there's no way I will allow a single tear to fall. I need to keep it together, I am here for a reason, I have to handle this well, I can't let my feelings get in the way.

I shouldn't have called home, but I had to, my wife needed to hear the news from me, Calleigh and Jenna were close friends. I got off the phone leaving my wife in tears, I'm not sure I was any comfort at all, too wrapped up in my own emotions to deal with hers. I also admit, I needed to hear her voice, needed the comfort myself, needed the reassurance that she was still there, even though there was no logical reason she wouldn't be, but my best friend lost his wife today and he had no reason to think he would either. I feel guilty now because I still have a wife to go home to and he doesn't. I can't swallow because the lump in my throat keeps getting larger and I don't think it's going to go away until I give in to my emotions.

None of this makes sense. Calleigh can't be dead, I mean, I just saw her this morning, teased her about the lousy coffee she made in the break room, how can she be dead?

I love Calleigh, I love teasing Calleigh. We've worked together and been friends for more years than I can remember. I can't imagine not having her in my life any more.

Today was just an ordinary day. Speed and I were processing a messy scene at the beach, our least favorite venue, and Calleigh was in the ballistics lab. She told us to 'be careful' when we left, just like she always does. We had no idea she had gone to a scene, we were so busy Speed didn't check his messages.

We knew H was in court so we were surprised to see him pull up in the Hummer. There was no way to prepare for what came next.

The look on his face told us everything we didn't want to know, pained is the only way I can describe it, and when he looked directly at Speed, the color just drained from my friend's face, he knew before a word was spoken and just shook his head. I reached out and put both my hands on his shoulders to keep him steady. I can't even tell you exactly what H said, my brain didn't want to grasp it, I just know Speed managed to choke out, "take me to her," and that's the last he spoke.

We got out of there immediately, for what felt like the longest ride in my life, in the eeriest silence, save the traffic noise, almost comforting in it's normalcy. Speed just sat slumped in the back with his head in his hands, neither H, nor I, knew of anything we could say or do that would give him even the smallest amount of comfort. I know it's the most helpless I've ever felt in my life and I never want to revisit it.

I can't help but wonder, could it have been one of us, should it have been one of us? If we had gotten the call, one of us would've gone to help Ryan. But H knew what we were dealing with at the beach, he put the call in to who was available and that was Cal. I know he would have gone himself if he hadn't been detained in court. If someone else had taken the call would the outcome have been the same? Of course, we can ponder this forever and it won't change the fact that Cal is dead.

Still, could it have been me today? That thought just won't leave my head. Would Speed be comforting my wife? Do I allow myself to be grateful that it wasn't me? But what kind of person does that make me, happy to be alive when my friend isn't? A single tear makes it's way down my cheek, I almost don't notice, so caught up am I in these swirling thoughts. I roughly wipe at my cheek with my hand, ashamed for thinking of myself, when all that matters is Calleigh.

Calleigh is really dead. It's hard for me to even think these words. You spend your whole career knowing that dying in the line of duty is a risk you face every day, you just put it in the back of your mind so you are able to function in your job, at least that's what I try to do. You keep your affairs in order, you live your best life and you try to be prepared for what could happen. Sounds so simple and tidy. But I learned today, there is no preparation for this harsh reality. No preparation for this punched in the gut feeling. None at all. I lost a best friend, someone I'll never get over losing, but that pales compared to what my other best friend lost. I can't begin to imagine what this feels like for him. He never got to say 'goodbye', none of us did, but that's what he's doing right now.

I left him at the morgue. We walked him there, H and I, flanked on either side. The halls were as eerily quiet as the ride had been, everyone steered clear of us, the news had spread quickly. Once there, Speed all but lunged into the room and except for a glance at her beautiful blonde head, which made my heart break, I couldn't look, for as much as I wanted to be there for him, he needed to be alone with her. That's when H told me there was something I needed to do and he would wait outside the morgue for Speed.

So here I sit in my car, in the parking lot of this red brick elementary school, hands shaking and trying not to shed another tear, waiting for the guts to go inside to collect Speed and Calleigh's daughters, so I can bring them home where their father will tell them that their adored mother is dead, and try to get six year olds to grasp what we adults are having trouble with. And again, I can't believe this is real. My head feels like it's gonna explode.

I love these little girls, mini Calleighs, with a little of Speed's quirks and stubbornness thrown in the mix. I was thrilled when I was asked to be a godfather, and have delighted in spoiling them, then returning them to their parents. Now I have to get them home without telling them the real reason Uncle Eric is picking them up. My head feels like it's trapped in a vice that someone keeps tightening. I don't know how we'll get through the next couple of hours, this is going to be really tough.

How do you tell them, what do you say? How do you help them get through this? They're so young and they love her so much. I'm afraid they will always remember this as the saddest day of their lives and I don't think anything we do can change that. No matter how much we love them, they'll always miss their mother. She was a devoted mother, it came to her naturally, a side of her I had never seen, such a contrast to the 'don't mess with me' spitfire on the firing range.

I don't know how my friend will get through this either, she's everything to him. The guy was smitten with her probably from the first day she walked in the lab, but acted like he wasn't. I don't know if he would've ever pursued her, he didn't think he stood a chance and honestly, I didn't think he did either. It was Calleigh who ended up asking him out on a date, kind of a spontaneous thing, although Alexx likes to take credit for putting the idea in her head. It was a huge surprise to me, probably to him as well and I was a little bit jealous till I saw how well they fit together. I'm not sure if Calleigh knew then that he was in love with her, but she figured it out pretty quickly and that was that. He asked her to marry him after dating one month, I'm actually surprised he waited that long, he bought the ring after two weeks. She never hesitated with her answer and they've been happy ever since.

You couldn't be around them and not envy what they had. I know I did and it was enough to get me to rethink the way my life was going. After far too many random sexual encounters with interchangeable women who meant nothing to me, or me to them, I began to long for someone who looked at me the way Cal looked at Speed. I wanted someone to share my life with, someone who mattered. It took some doing, but I changed my ways and was smart enough to recognize the best thing that ever happened to me, meeting Jenna, when it did finally happen and not to screw it up. Speed and Calleigh were behind me every step of the way.

My faith tells me that all things happen for a reason, but I'm not able to find a reason for this. We're the 'good guys' here. There's no reason these little girls should grow up without a mother, or Speed should lose the love of his life. My faith is being sorely tested, but I can't think about that now, I've got to get the twins and bring them home.


	5. Alexx

Promises Made

Alexx

I'm just finishing scrubbing down the table, it's my last task for the day before I can head home. I'm bone weary these days, I still haven't gotten my usual energy level back. We all wander around here like the walking wounded even though a month has already passed us by. No one really says much, but we all know what's on our minds. As I rinse down the silver table, I feel the familiar prickle of tears. Damn, that's been happening a lot. Behind the tears is the urge to take a hammer to this very table and beat the hell out of it. I know it's not my nature to be violent, but sometimes I wonder if it would help to dispel some of this emotion that drags me down.

I am still haunted by the sight of that beautiful girl on my table, her passing was too sudden for any of us to prepare for and it was much too soon for her to leave us. So tiny and delicate, with her beautiful hair all around her, and so pale, she seemed to blend in with the sheet. I had a hard time looking at that gunshot wound and all that blood, and I see that stuff over and over till I'm immune from the affects of it.

The only thing that saved me that day was that she looked so peaceful, like she was just asleep with Timmy by her side. I know it hurts him so much that he wasn't with her, if he couldn't trade places with her, he would've given anything to be with her when she needed him most. I try to tell him she carried his love with her always, but I don't know how much it helps, I'll just keep telling him till he finally believes it.

I, myself, continue to have a hard time believing Calleigh is really gone. I keep expecting her to walk in with that beaming smile and her sassy spunk, or to see her sneaking a kiss from that husband of hers when she thinks no one's looking. I have lost a colleague, ally, confidant, and a trusted friend who loved me enough to want me to be part of her daughter's lives. An uncontrollable shudder passes over me making me stop what I'm doing for a moment. I can't replace her in my life, there's just a big hole, and when it's not filled with sadness, it's filled with anger or some combination of the two, and I know that's why I'm so weary these days.

I've seen my fair share, and then some, of poor innocents struck down in the prime of their lives, leaving behind grieving families, and although I care, they haven't affected me the way this has. I've learned not to get emotionally involved, my job is simply to be the victim's last voice and to treat them with respect, but never before has it been someone I love on my table. This sorrow won't leave me, maybe because so many that I love have been touched by this tragedy.

I wanted to be the one to take care of her, even though I knew I'd never be able to do my job properly, I'd never be able to do more than stroke her cheek. I had to leave her in someone else's hands and that was difficult for me, I couldn't help but think I was letting her down. I hope she understood, I think she would. The most I could do was to be the one who removed her wedding rings, I couldn't let any one else do that, I had to be the one to give them to Timmy. Her marriage, along with their babies, was more important than anything else in her life. Those rings, and what they stood for, were priceless to her. I knew he would need to have them.

I think about the two of them on the day they married, they only had eyes for each other, so in love they were, and it never changed for them, never lessened in strength or intensity. He had loved her for so long, but kept it to himself. He wouldn't tell her, wouldn't admit to anyone how deep his feelings were, but I knew, I could see it in his eyes. After they announced their engagement, I was free to tease him about his stubborn refusal to act on his feelings, waiting until she made the first move to fess up. He was as serious as I'd ever seen him when he answered me, he said he could not imagine her loving him back. But love him back she did, she all but glowed in his presence and simply delighted in taking care of him and their babies.

Now my poor Timmy is broken hearted, and each day he is slipping away more and more. She was his whole world, he's just lost without her. No one knows if or when he'll return to work. I just can't imagine what that will be like for him. He's closed himself off, won't let anyone in, we're all starting to get a bit worried. He's trying to do his best with his daughters, they're the only thing keeping him going, but he's even having a hard time with that. In time I hope he'll see that he hasn't lost Calleigh forever, he'll always have her in the form of those two beautiful girls of his. He just can't see it now.

I worry about Horatio as well, he's taking this to heart, telling himself if he hadn't called her she would still be with us. I've never seen him look so haunted, and he's a man who has seen a lot in his long career, both personally and professionally. I keep telling him he's not to blame, but he won't let that message get through. Fortunately he's not letting his guilt keep him from helping those that need him.

"Sugar, we all miss you so. I hope you're not up there worrying about us. I promise you, I will always look after your family like I do my own." I talk to her when the mood hits me, I like to think she's listening in. I don't mind our one sided conversations, I'm used to them in my line of work.

" You can be proud of your babies, they are doing as well as can be expected and they have been a comfort to all of us."

I am reminded of the sight of them walking to the cemetery for the burial, on either side of their father, each holding one of his hands, it's not a sight I'll soon forget.

"We'll give them lots of love and keep you in their hearts. We'll talk again soon." I look up knowing that's where she is, keeping watch on all of us.

It's time for me to go home. I look around one more time, just to make certain I haven't forgotten anything. I've got two families to look after now, I can manage, I've got enough love for both, I won't let down my friend.


	6. Ryan

Promises Made

Ryan

I awoke the same way I do every other time I have the dream, with a feeling of panic, sweating profusely, heart racing, gasping for breath and feeling an overwhelming urge to wash the blood off. The blood I've tried to wash off for the past four and a half months. It never comes off because it's not really there anymore, but it still feels like it is. It will always be there.

The dream is always the same. I call out her name, she looks at me and smiles, she always smiles, then she walks toward me. I see the gunman, but I don't tell her, the words won't come out of my mouth. She goes down and I run to her. The blood is everywhere, it's all over me and I can't stop it from coming out of her. We're both panicking. She asks for her husband and I promise I'll get him, but she's gone before I can keep that promise. That's when I wake up. It's always the same.

That's not exactly what happened however. I never saw the gunman, I was nowhere near Calleigh when she arrived, or when the shot was fired. I had been assured ahead of time, by the uniforms that the site was secure. But, I was with her when she died. There were moments of panic, for both of us. I did get covered in her blood. I did promise I would get her husband, although I can't say she was even aware that I was talking to her at the time and she did die before I could get him there.

I had the dream a lot in the first few weeks after the shooting. I began to dread going to sleep each night. My counselor explained it as 'survivors guilt', says it's very common after traumatic events like these, as if that's supposed to make me feel better. To me it just feels like a very heavy weight that is suffocating me and no matter how hard I try I can't rid myself of it. I didn't pull the trigger that day, but it was me who dragged her out of the lab because I needed her help. I've got her blood on my hands any way you look at it.

I've thought about quitting this job more times than I can count, being in that building is just too uncomfortable with the guilt and tension. I see my counselor regularly and I thought I was getting a handle on things, but Speedle came back to work and the guilt was oppressive again. It was hard to come back to work in the beginning, I felt all eyes on me. Calleigh was loved by everyone, I was the guy who took her place on the team when she went part time, I was the guy who called her out of the lab that day and I was the guy with her when she died.

I work well with this team, but I have never really felt like I fit in, always a bit on the outside of the circle. They had more in common. They've been together for more than a decade, are married with kids and are part of each others' lives outside of work. That involvement works for them, but it wasn't really what I wanted, and maybe that's why I felt like I didn't completely belong. Calleigh, though, was always nice to me, more of a mentor than anyone else because she had the time. I truly liked and respected her.

I feel my heart and breathing coming back to normal, if I sit quietly the panic feeling abates. I know what set me off, why I had the dream again after being rid of it for awhile. It was seeing those little girls, Calleigh's twins, skipping down the hallway in their matching dresses, blonde pony tails flying, with smiles identical to their mother's, as they raced into their father's arms and getting a smile from him in return, the only true emotion I've seen out of him since he returned to work a few weeks ago. I hadn't seen the girls since the funeral. They look so much like her it made me stop in my tracks, all the memories rushing back. Seeing them was so unexpected, all I could think was if I hadn't asked for Calleigh's help, they'd still have a mother. I concentrate on my breathing, in and out, in and out. Keep it steady.

It hasn't been easy seeing Speedle at work every day either. He's like a different person now, just a shadow of his former self. He goes out of his way to avoid me at all costs. I can only think it's because he holds me responsible for Calleigh's death. It's become a very stressful environment, but it was seeing the twins that brought me to my knees, so to speak, and my emotion laden response shocked me. Admittedly, I haven't given them much thought, though I hear the others talk about them all the time. But seeing them, seeing them with him, that brought it all home for me. Again. Thus the return of the dream, although it's really a nightmare and living through it once was enough.

I wondered why they were there, it seemed like the last place they should be and I asked Delko about it. He explained that it was to reassure them that their father was safe inside the lab when he went to work, they'd been having a hard time when he left each day and worried about his safety. Oh. Way to stick the knife in. If their mother was safe inside she would still be alive. I get it.

How can I rid myself of this guilt knowing Calleigh's little girls have these worries? They're six! This is going to be a long night, I won't be getting any more sleep, I never do. I know what I have to do, I have to confront Speedle and get this obvious tension between us out in the open. I can't stay here if it continues like this. This is what my counselor has been urging me to do and I've avoided it. It never feels like the right time or the right place. The guy has been through enough, but so have I. What exactly do I want? His forgiveness? To apologize? But, it's not my fault!

I was surprised he came back to work here at all. I knew he had been struggling with his loss, but wouldn't going back to the job you shared for years with your wife be agony? Although, I suppose it's no different than going home to the house you shared, and I know he hasn't moved. With his reputation he could get a job anywhere. Why didn't he consider a fresh start somewhere else?

I made the mistake of asking Horatio that very question after he announced Speedle's return. Really wrong question. With fixed blue eyes he looked at me the way he does when you've displeased him, then he explained that it was best for them to be where they had the most support and here, he really emphasized this part, was where Calleigh was buried. I felt like a complete ass. I should've known that. I actually like Speedle, well, I did, but now, facing him everyday is really difficult, for both of us, I think. I would be lying if I didn't admit it would be easier for me if he never came back and I never saw those little girls.

This has taken such a toll on the man. I really do feel bad for him. He looks like he never eats or sleeps and he seems devoid of emotion, well, except when I saw him with his daughters. I must say though, his work hasn't suffered, I don't know how he does it, but he has been spot on in the lab since his return. It's probably the only time he gets to escape from his grief, so he really gets into it. He only talks a little bit, and then just to Horatio, Delko and a couple other people. Around me, nothing, unless he absolutely has to.

I've been up since 3 AM and it's almost time for me to get ready for work. I hope a cold shower will help to keep me awake and jolt my senses. I've decided I'll confront him first thing this morning.

When I arrive, I feel my anxiety level rise as soon as I step in the building. I know where to find him, in the Trace lab, where he'll be alone, hunched over a microscope. My apprehension increases with each step, I just don't know what to expect and I can't believe my palms are sweating and my heart is racing already.

"Speedle," I call to him as I wander in finding him exactly where I expected. He looks up and in my direction, but not at me, after a moment he looks back in the microscope.

"What is it Wolfe, I'm busy." His words echo the exasperation I saw briefly on his face and I'm taken aback by this display of emotion, I'm used to his flat affect and monotone.

"We need to talk," I tell him simply. "About what happened... to Calleigh."

He jerks up and swings his head in my direction, his eyes flashing intense anger, his jaw set and I actually take a step backward feeling stunned.

"No," he says forcefully. "We don't need to talk about my wife. Now or ever." His words are short, terse as he leans his head back over the microscope. The heavy emphasis on the words, 'my wife', is not lost on me, as if I could ever forget she was his wife.

"Yes we do. The tension surrounding us is oppressive," I say as I motion around the lab toward the various glass encased rooms surrounding us filled with our coworkers, "and it's damned uncomfortable...for everyone." I'm not going to back down, we need to have this out, that was made obvious by his anger.

"I can't help but feel that you hold me responsible." I breathe a heavy sigh, there...it's out in the open.

"That's your problem. I don't fucking care." He jerks his head up from the microscope, stares me down with eyes blazing in anger and shouts this at me. I wasn't prepared for that, I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Before I can respond he continues.

"What the hell do you want from me? To tell you I wish you never asked for my wife's help that day? Every...fucking...minute...of...every...fucking...day... I wish you didn't ask for her help! I wish you had called me. Me! Anyone... but her!" He lowers his tone now, just a bit, but the intensity is still present.

"But you know what? It doesn't change a single thing. My wife is still dead and my daughters still cry themselves to sleep every night."

I feel like I've been punched in the gut. His anger seems to have taken a lot out of him, he suddenly looks more drained and tired than he did before, I know it's taking a lot out of me.

I don't know what to say except, "I'm sorry. I wish I could take that day back, but I can't. There was nothing I could do to prevent it. Nothing. If I could have protected her somehow I would have. I would have done anything." My body is shaking and my heart is racing. That day just won't go away. I feel something I haven't felt in a long time, I feel like crying. My words seem so insignificant, yet they're all I have to offer.

He heaves a heavy sigh. He looks left and right, but not at me. "If you're looking for me to absolve you of your guilt, I can't do that." There's a long pause during which I don't think either of us breathe or move.

"Wolfe, I don't hold you responsible for my wife's death. I know what happened." He heaves another heavy sigh, and when he speaks his voice is softer, the anger is gone, resignation remains in it's place.

"You needed help and she was available. My wife loved her job, she was better at it than most anyone, including me. She was happy to help you, she left me a message saying that before she left the lab that day. I got it...later." I don't know what to say in response to this. He continues, "What happened, happened, and you nor I can't change it. I don't want to talk about this again."

He goes back to the microscope and I know I've been dismissed, I'm just not sure I feel any better. I turn to leave and I'm almost at the door when he calls me back.

"Wolfe. Wait."

I turn, not knowing what to expect. He takes a deep breath, expels it heavily, as if he hopes he can expel his burden along with it. Instead of anger, I see profound sadness in his eyes, making it hard for me to keep looking. He fidgets with the wedding ring he still wears. Every part of him seems twitchy, unable to be still.

"I'm not sure I ever thanked you," he pauses, his voice is halted, this must be torture for him, "for being with her, for all you did to help her." I start to respond, but he puts up his hand.

"I've seen a lot of," again he pauses, searching for the right word, "victims. She, Calleigh, looked at peace, like she was asleep, not scared... not like some I've seen." Again he pauses, eyes darting, fidgeting still with his ring. I'm afraid to speak.

"She wasn't alone, that must've helped her. Thank you for being at her side." His voice is even softer and when he briefly looks at me, I can see his eyes are moist and suddenly I understand.

For me, I've been wrestling with my culpability in Calleigh's death, for him, it wasn't about blaming me, it was about the fact that I was with her when she died and he wasn't.

I've been carrying my guilt and he's been carrying his. That day comes rushing back to me like a movie playing in my mind, clear as the day it happened. I've never completely told him all the details, I tried, but he didn't want to hear anything from me and I didn't blame him. My guilt now, is that of omission. I should've tried harder to talk to him, he needs to hear this. I can give him this.

"No." I capture his attention with this word and he looks at me as I walk back to where I was standing before.

"I should've told you this a long time ago. I'm sorry. You should know this. It wasn't me that calmed her down, she didn't see me, didn't even know I was there. It was you, I'm absolutely certain of it." He looks at me, his eyes pleading and confused.

"She was struggling to breathe, choking and very panicked." I stop, he's shaking his head, is still twitchy, doesn't want to hear this, but I continue.

"She had this wild look in her eyes. I tried talking to her, but she didn't seem to comprehend. She kept trying to speak, after a struggle, your name came out. She wasn't asking for you, it was as if she was talking to you, but she wasn't able to say more. Then she immediately calmed down, her eyes cleared, it was a profound change. She stopped struggling and she became very peaceful, she squeezed my hand a little bit. It was as if she just went to sleep after that. There's no doubt in my mind that she thought you were with her. I'm so, so sorry I didn't tell you all of this before now, I tried right after, but you probably weren't really hearing anything. I'm so sorry. You really needed to know that."

I'm not sure there's anything more I can say. I can't look at him right now. I should've known that not being there was one of the things he was struggling with. I was so preoccupied with my own guilt, I didn't think about his. This has been a really intense morning and I feel depleted, but if I gave him a bit of peace, than I can live with that and maybe begin to move forward. Perhaps now we can exist around each other without the tension. Seems we both had something to say and something to hear. If only it can make the nightmares stop for good.

"Thank you." I hear him mumble, very softly in a strained voice, as I make my way out on shaky legs.

I wonder, is it worth it, to love someone that much, so much that losing them leaves you completely broken hearted and lost? It's a high price to pay. Maybe too high? Then I remember those little girls skipping into his arms and getting a smile out of him and I realize he wouldn't give back a moment of his life with Calleigh. I guess when it hits you that hard it's all out of your control and you just enjoy the ride while you can.

Something I'll think about for a long time.


	7. Promises Kept

Promises Made, Promises Kept

Eric

I wander around my house, trying to straighten up as best I can, amazed once again at how much damage my four year old son can do in a confined space with what must be hundreds of small cars. Where did they all come from? My wife, who is now expecting our second child, and son are over at Speed's house for the day. I'm going to join them soon, but wanted to surprise my wife with a clean house when she returns home tonight. My eyes catch the framed photo on the table and linger there, compelling me to stop what I'm doing and pick it up.

It's a photo of Calleigh, Speed and I taken the night we celebrated my first anniversary as a CSI. It was so long ago and I'm taken aback by how young and eager we look. This was even before Speed and Calleigh got together, when he was still pretending he didn't have the hots for her, as if we didn't all know better. I can't help but smile at the memory. I put the photo back not wanting to get too caught up in the past.

The last fourteen months have been difficult, for each of us in our own way, but we're all moving forward now. We've gotten through holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, the first ones being the most difficult. Too many times I've wished I could just forget and pretend nothing has changed, at least for a little while, but I can't, I made a promise to a friend to always keep her memory alive and watch over her family, and it's one I intend to keep. I know she'd do the same for me.

No matter what, I'll be there for Speed and his girls, as will H, we've got his back, always. I was there when he found out his wife was killed, I was there when he told his daughters that their mother was dead, I was there when his wife, their mother, was lowered into the ground and I was there two months later when H and I told him that he needed to get help for his depression because he couldn't see how it was hurting his daughters. If he didn't get help we told him, then Jenna and I would be forced to take the girls to live with us for awhile. That might have been the hardest time for all of us, because how do you further break a man who's already broken?

Fortunately Speed got the help he needed and although it's been a struggle for him, he'd do anything for those girls, no matter how hard it was for him personally. I'm beginning to see glimpses of the 'old Speed' more often, as he begins to inhabit his life again. As Calleigh did before them, his daughters have the ability to bring out the best in him, the side he rarely shows others. I know there are still days he wishes he didn't have to get out of bed in the morning, but I give him a lot of credit because his girls are blossoming and he's the one most responsible for that.

It was rough for the twins in the beginning, as one would expect, there was just no way to help them understand why someone would hurt their mother, especially when none of us understood. They cried themselves to sleep more nights than I care to remember. They kept seeing her in their dreams and were convinced she was coming back. It was strange how they would have almost the exact same dreams, just a 'twin' thing, I guess. They were afraid to leave Speed's side for quite awhile, afraid something would happen to him as well. Somehow we all helped them through the roughest time. And they did get the kittens their parents promised, which provided them with a bit of happiness when it was sorely needed.

Going back to work was hard on all of us, not only did we have to deal with the loss of our friend and colleague, but we each had to face our own mortality, wondering if the next bullet had one of our names on it. I never considered quitting, although this took an awful toll on my wife and she still worries more than she used to. She lost her dear friend to a bullet, and has to worry her husband might be next.

When Speed finally came back to work, H arranged it so that he wouldn't have to go out in the field again. H wouldn't let Speed go to a crime scene even if he wanted to, he couldn't risk anything happening to the only parent those girls have left. Speed's always been happiest in the labs, but selfishly, I miss my friend out there with me in the field, we always worked so well together.

I know H has struggled with a lot of guilt since he was the one who asked Calleigh to go to that scene, even though there was nothing he could have done to prevent the shooting. I'm aware that Speed has told him over and over that he does not hold him responsible. The gunman came out of nowhere and she was surprised, she never had a chance. He still feels it's his job to protect us and that he somehow failed her. She was so special to all of us, it makes the loss that much harder, plus he worries about Speed and our goddaughters. I'm not sure he'll ever completely be able to get over this loss.

Wolfe has had his own share of guilt, even though he could not have prevented the attack and did nothing wrong. It was a hard thing for him to live with and for awhile I was certain he would look for a job elsewhere. Speed and Wolfe have dealt with the tension that was between them and are back to being able to work together the way they once did.

The gunman, still firing his weapon, was shot and killed that day by one of the uniforms as he was trying to flee the scene. We were all grateful Speed was spared having to deal with a trial and it's aftermath, but nothing will bring Calleigh back to us.

My thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of the phone. I recognize the number on the screen and have to laugh at the chaos I hear in the background when I pick up and say, "hello".

"Hey, you coming soon?" asks Speed above the din. Just how many people are over there?

"Yeah," I answer, " you need something?"

"Bring all of Jenna's hairspray and gel," he instructs me.

"Hairspray? Gel?" I'm a bit confused, then I remember, Jenna is getting the girls ready for their ballet performance tonight and that involves doing their hair, something my friend has yet to master.

"Apparently I've bought the wrong products and I've got one daughter close to a meltdown about her hair." I'm wondering if he's close to a meltdown as well, this being their first big show, something that would have been huge for Cal. He continues, "I'm told their hair has to be perfect and your wife says she has just what we need and you'll know where to find it."

Huh? I do? She's got so much of that stuff in the bathroom, I usually don't pay any attention to it. I wander into the bathroom and begin rooting around, confused by all the different labels, worried I'll bring the wrong stuff. You'd never know I'm a scientist.

"Delko are you paying attention?" he asks, sounding just a bit aggravated, snapping me back to attention.

This situation somehow strikes me as funny and I can't help but laugh. Speed's not exactly known for even combing his hair and now he's sounding desperate about hair products. This just makes me laugh more.

"It's not that funny." He tries to sound serious, but I can hear the chuckle in his voice, and it's a good sound to hear coming from him, as he realizes the same thing I just did, we are two grown men having a panic about hair products. "Just bring the stuff, OK?"

"Don't worry, I will." There's a pause while I debate whether to ask him the question that's been on my mind all day, the one he knows I'm gonna ask.

"You OK?" There I asked. There's another pause before he answers and I imagine him looking around at the chaos, the signs of life going on in the home he and Calleigh created.

"Yeah Delko, I'm OK," he answers without sarcasm or bitterness, he knows why I ask and he accepts it, knows I do it as much for Calleigh as for him.

"All right, I'll be by soon. Hang in there." I hang up knowing there's something else I must do today before I head over besides find hair stuff. I have a friend to visit.

* * *

I park my car and make my way to the now familiar destination, waving to the caretaker who recognizes me. It's a beautiful day and I have to smile when I notice there are papers left on top of the gravestone, held in place by rocks. I never know what I'll find here.

"Hey Calleigh, I see you've had visitors who came bearing gifts. What'd you get today?" I pick up the papers, careful of the photograph I notice lying underneath them. Spelling tests, one a 95, the other a perfect 100. I laugh at the differences in hand writing, one is neat and tidy, the other more like chicken scratch. "They are their parent's children," I say out loud. I look at the photo now, it's the same one I have at home, the two are in their dance outfits. They're beautiful, the spitting image of their mother, and I get a lump in my throat thinking about how my friend is missing out on watching her daughters grow up. When they visit, they bring pieces of their life to leave for their mother, school papers, drawings, photos, even baby teeth. It's a sweet gesture and the caretaker is careful to collect the leavings and store them for Speed.

"They're amazing girls Cal. You can be really proud of them. Speed's doing a good job. He's got to stop doubting himself, he's a great dad." I carefully put the papers and photo back under the rocks and admire the beautiful flowers, all different kinds and different colors, mostly Cal's favorites. I know Speed is here a lot.

"We all miss you. I know you'll be watching tonight. Speed's still trying to interest the girls in baseball, but he's fighting a losing battle, they only care about ballet and their cats. They are very determined little girls. Wonder which of you they got that from?" I laugh out loud at that and reach out to touch the cool marble, carefully fingering the letters etched in the stone.

"Don't worry. We're all taking care of them. I won't let you down, I promise."

I make my way back to my car, happy I came, but reminded once again, that the sadness never completely goes away.

* * *

We've assembled quite a large group here tonight to support the twins. Most of the lab seems to be here as well as Speed's parents, and some of Cal's family. Speed's folks spend more time in Miami now than they do in NY, having bought a home here. They are trying to be what their son needs and he is trying to let them. It's a process, but having them around is good for the girls, and it would make Calleigh happy to know he is trying to be closer to his family.

Speed's getting a bit anxious waiting for the curtain to rise. The girls have been given a small solo part, which is a big deal considering their ages. Their dance teacher says they are quite talented, which confounds their father, who could better understand a proficiency in, say, baseball. This ballet stuff is foreign to him, ballet lessons were Calleigh's doing.

I glance at him and notice he's fingering his wedding band, which he does a lot now, probably without realizing it. It's his last tie to Calleigh, next to the twins. He was asked once how long he planned to wear his wedding ring. His brusque response? "Till I'm dead." Who knows. I'm not sure he'll ever have room in his heart for anyone else. He loved his wife, I don't think he wants to love again, but I hate to think of him alone forever, I'm sure that's not what Cal would want either.

"Hey, relax," I tell him, "they'll be fine." Who am I kidding, I'm a nervous wreck as well. He nods in response, still fidgeting with his ring. H is working the video camera, even though we all felt Tyler should do it, an argument we lost. It's good to see H with a smile on his face, he takes his role as godfather very seriously, and wouldn't miss this night for the world. Ryan is here as well, with his girlfriend, lending their support, which is a bit of a surprise, but he seems genuinely happy to be a part of this. Alexx is by my wife's side, keeping my son distracted with a story, she would never miss this. I look over at my wife and give her hand a squeeze, she gives me a kiss on the cheek in return.

* * *

The twins are better than fine, they are really quite good and looked strong and confident on the stage. Who knew? This is obviously a talent they didn't get from their father. I look at Speed who's got a smile on his face as he wipes away a couple of tears, a bittersweet moment if I ever saw one. I know he's wishing Calleigh was here to share this moment, she'd be in her glory. I like to think she has been here with us.

Time heals, friends and family help, scars will linger. Each person navigates his own path through grief. A lot of people's lives were affected the day Calleigh got shot, all we can do is be there for each other and keep her memory alive for her daughters. We came together tonight to support two little girls, who danced their hearts out for their family in the audience and their mom in heaven, and their father, whose broken heart may never heal completely. That's all we can do. We keep our promises.

the end


End file.
